Friday, 2 April 2010

A Love Letter

I wanna spill one of my dirts. This is a letter that I was willingly going to send to my ex a day after she broke me up. But unfortunately, I was so young and stupid. Didn’t have guts to throw this letter out to her face.

Dear my Dear,

When you broke me up, you asked me few questions : What is love ?

Then you asked me rapidly with some girly questions that is hard to remembered. But one question keeps bugging me until now : Do you really love me ?? what about if I found other girls who love me more than you can do.

You once said love is a desire to have someone to be ours. Well said, people agree it is true.

But so far, I don’t catch the meaning. I have been in relationship with several girls but they are the same. Substantially the same, physically attractively different. Same M&M with different colours. And other similar analogy.

Love is something right to us. But I never feel right with anyone. And does it mean I haven’t found my love yet ?

I remember you always put love in different boxes and label it as fun as you can have. Cinta mati. Cinta-cintaan. Cinta ternoda. Cinta monyet. Cinta sejati. Cinta palsu. And others love….
I really mind if you said my love was Cinta monyet. I really do.
And you divided love to another forms, basically the true one and not. Well, I think you are highly good enough to be able to measure it . classify what is true and what is not.

But then I started to think about it comprehensively. In fact, I cant mention that love happening on mafia world is wrong. Or even love between the priest is true. I cant agree that love is about being wrong and being right. I heard lots of song which say “if loving you is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right.” Is it proper to go with those words ?? means, justification about love has reached normative values : wrong and right. It means if you are about to have this kind of love than you are labeled right, vice versa. This love and that love.

Or what about If I had interfaith relationships, would it be less mistaken than had man-a-man or girl-a-girl relationships ?? if you think about sexual activities, we end up here. But I wanna go far with pure love. I wanna find the real love just like Adam and Eve. Once said, Plato didn’t get married because he didn’t find any woman to rest his burden and to share his happiness with. All he could see was only desire. Love is really a game between the forceful man and beautiful woman. All he can conclude is Platonic Love that can survive without any will to do sexual activities. Love without desire to own. Love without the hatred of being left. Or even love without the feeling of doing sexual activities. Just really LOVE. As pure as we say “love” to people we have crush with.

Now tell me what is wrong and what is right ??

We rarely justify people based on humanity. Its hard to justify people based on strict norms. For instance, Robin Hood stealing for hungry family and poor people. Based on law, we can judge him wrong. But what about from humanity ?? is what he does wrong ?? think twice.

So, back to my answer for my dearest girl. You said I don’t love you like you did to me. Well, I have been sobbing for knowing this. How on earth you can tell my love is smaller than yours ?? and I just realized that I dated stupid girl. Yeah, I m dumber than you. I thought you were a blackrose within common red roses. Reality said, you just drowned with those commoners. So please, don’t assume anything about love if you don’t know anything about its history, about the whole of it. You said you found a guy who loved you more. I have a phrase for you : like hell.

Monday, 29 March 2010

wish i were superman

Every pain in the world grows from injustice, social and political disorder and many other things that make us think that we are alone and nobody understands what we feel. And some of us get used to mumbling : It’s not fair God ! or even the common complain : Why always me God ? don’t be ashamed to spill our dirts.

Growing older with problems we hardly solve just adds another wrinkles to our face. Wrinkle is more and solution is less. Yeah, I really know how it feels. Yes, our unsolved problems mean wrinkles. Many problems we face everyday, everyhour for a president. And it varies from one to another. Depend on who we are, who you are. And who I am.

To me, Poverty is the only problem that makes me sob most. Who doesn’t ? become poor means become unable to have everything we need, we want. But trust me, I can tell you  more.

 I have been growing in simple environment with simple facilities and simple dreams. I said simple but it doesn't mean inadequate. People are satisfied with everything simple . Because some of us often generalize simple into easy. Simple is easy and easy is simple. But simple doesn’t always mean easy referring good. Since I just wish simply to be a rich man and am still on going to that simple dream. And it’s hard you know. Even to get a single 10.000 rupiah cash. Simple but difficult to reach. It means having a simple dream to be a rich man is obviously not a simple dream. Let’s classify it into a complex dream. Simple dream, from what I have heard and observed, is basic needs. The poor rarely dream of having I-Phone 3G nor the newest BMW series. They only want to be secured. Basic needs like food, shelter, and casual clothes like we always get. Warmth that we always get when we sleep with a colourful cartoon printed blanket. Ask them what is their dream and they will simply answer that they want to sleep under roof, not the stars. They dreams are things that we often have.

I m not a greedy and hedonist people. Name every single dirty word but I m still a thankful man. And seeing the poor who are not able to do all normal activities like we are, hurts more than when my girlfriend broke me up. It’s just like I really can give help to them. Give everything I can give. But then I realize that I m one of them. I m poor ! Not mentioning my financial status and personal difficult problems I’ve been through, but I m really a waste to society. i can see and know well their difficulties but i m unable to help them the way they needed. Su*k.

All I’ve been doing everyday is about myself. I work partime to get money so I can suffice my own needs without asking more money to mom. I spend hours to read books only to acknowledge my ability and to give answers to my curious. I m thinking read to lead. But if it only makes useful to me , my reading is like to lead me to be a fifth year old child who reads to spell not to imply. Let’s say it, I m just a waste.

I know this life I’ve been running is my own life and it’s really okay if I myself is the main actor or even the single actor in it. But thinking it repeatedly lately makes new paradigm on my mind. I can see people struggle to live. Maybe I m a pragmatist but I m never be a opportunist. Those reflections just simply put me to be more useful. So I started to share what I know about the world to others like getting myself involved in non-organizational education organization. At least my pastime can lead to a useful activity and it lessen my feeling to be a waste even though not enough contribution thoughts still running circle on my mind. Don’t underestimate me ! I m helping people here ! I m far to be called a rich man. Nor knowledgeable people (since I m only senior high school graduates). But three things that always make me comfortable and smile is to be thankful, to care, and to never surrender.

Speaking of this, my fave heroes popped up on my mind : SUPERMAN. Why ? because he is perfectly a big help to others. A little bit handsome, blue eyes, steel abs, and bla bla bla.  the point is He is a perfect match to save the world. Not made to be understood. But made to understand. Not born to get help. But born to give helps. A complex personality inside who simply helps people outside, not expecting anything. I wish I were Superman. And I promise I will use my power to aide people, not to cheat on exams using my x-ray vision nor hook a sister up. God, I wish you hear my promise and you can give me superpower. LOL. At least to be him, I can prevent sadness on people’s face. I can annihilate problems chaining them everyday.  yeah, keep dreaming !

But deep inside in my heart, I m still thankful born to be a normal human. Only human :)

020310-on a gloomy night.